5 Levels of Children’s Friendships
Submitted by Family Ties Association
February, the month in which we tend to think about love and kindness towards others. Naturally, my mind started to think about who our children show love to, who they are drawn to, and who they play with the most – aka their friends! In this post, we will be exploring the 5 Levels of Children’s Friendships through the use of Robert Selman’s framework. Selman can be credited with coming up with a framework to help families understand how friendships develop and change within childhood. This framework highlights how children’s play also changes depending on which friendship level they may be at. As you read through, spend some time thinking about where your child(ren) or the children you interact with are at for levels.
Disclaimer - it is important to note that children’s friendships develop at their own pace; some children may go through each level faster or slower than the ‘suggested’ age range and that is okay! However, if you are ever concerned about your child’s social skills or friendships, reach out to supports such as teachers, doctors or mental health therapists.
Level 0: Momentary Playmates (generally around 3-6 years old) Children love to just have ‘fun’ with their friends at this level. They will likely form friendships with those who have the same interests as them and those who are physically near by (if they enjoy the same activities too). Hence, you may see a group of children all playing with blocks together, dolls together, or cars together; they form groups with similar minds as their own. Also, you may notice your child changing friends quickly at this level if one of their friends no longer has the same interest as your child; children at this age have limited abilities to see others’ perspectives and tend to get upset if they find out others have different opinions from them. This is where you may start to hear, “I am not friends with James anymore, he wouldn’t play tag with me at recess and wanted to play soccer instead”. Then the next day is back to your child saying “James is my best friend, we played tag together at the park”.
Level 1 : One-Way Assistance (generally around 5-9 years old) The second level has some age overlap with the first level, but children at this level see friendships based on what the other child does for them. Children generally don’t think of what they contribute to the friendship, but think more of what the other child does ‘nice’ for them. For example, friendships can be based on other child sharing their lunch, pairing up with them on an art project, saving them a seat on the bus, or helping them out building a puzzle.
Level 2: Two-Way, Fair Weather Cooperation (generally around 7-12 years old) Children at this level begin to understand ‘fairness’ and ‘reciprocity’ and see friendships based on these qualities. For example, if a child picks a certain friend to be on their team at recess, they expect that friend to do the same for them at lunch; if they don’t, the friendship may fizzle out for a bit. As a parent may also hear an increase of “Sally’s parents don’t make her do that” or “I am the only kid without a cell phone” at this stage too – all thanks to the increase of understanding ‘fairness’.
Level 3: Intimate, Mutually Shared Relationships (generally around 8-15 years old) During this level, children begin to bring in compromise, problem-solving, perspective taking, and start placing value on sharing feelings/thoughts with their friends. Friend groups tend to be small and more intimate as there is a deeper emotional connection and understanding with each other. “My best friend knows everything” becomes a true statement.
Level 4: Mature Friendships (generally around 12 years old and up) This is the last level of friendship; there is a high importance placed on ‘emotional closeness’ with those who children spend most of their time with. Trust and support are two key qualities that develop within this level and help children as they enter into their teen years and adulthood. Identities start to develop and differences are appreciated within friendships. Children now see that it is okay if they like soccer and their friend likes baseball. So remember - when your child is coming to you with a ‘different best friend’ each day, try to remember that these are all developmentally appropriate levels your child is going through and they will change!
So remember - when your child is coming to you with a ‘different best friend’ each day, try to remember that these are all developmentally appropriate levels your child is going through and they will change!
Sources and references
Kennedy-Moore, E. (2012, February 26). Children’s Growing Friendships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/growing-friendships/201202/childrens-growing-friendships
Kids First Children’s Services. (n.d.). The 5 stages of children’s friendships. https://kids-first.com.au/the-5-stages-of-childrens-friendships/
Selman, R. L. (1981). The child as friendship philosopher. In S. R. Asher, and J. M. Gottman (Eds.), The Development of Children's Friendships. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press (pp.242-272).
Image: https://www.pexels.com/photo/group-of-children-playing-on-green-grass-8613319/