Fostering a Secure Attachment
Submitted by Rebecca Smith, Family Ties Association
Last month we chatted a little bit about attachment styles and how attachment styles generally develop throughout childhood. This month’s post will focus on how to help foster secure attachments with your children, because who doesn’t want the best for their kiddos. As a quick recap and noted in the previous attachment styles post (Children's 4 Attachment Styles), “secure attachments are fostered by caregivers who help children feel safe, heard, loved, comforted, supported, have allowed children the freedom to explore and have created some consistency with their parenting style.” When a child experiences this attunement from parents and caregivers, it will not only help with the relationship you have with your child now, but will also help them in the future. Studies have shown that people with secure attachments may have an easier time creating and maintaining relationships, feeling happier within their relationships, have a more positive outlook, have increase confidence, and can solve problems more independently while still knowing when to ask for help (Hoffman et al., 2017; Homan, 2018). Now knowing that those are some of the great benefits that can come from a secure attachment, why wouldn’t you want to help encourage that in your child?
Here are some small and simple ways to create a secure attachment with your little ones and not so little ones:
Acknowledge and Validate. When big feelings come up, make sure to take the time to validate and provide connection (Hoffman et al., 2017). Providing connection for both the pleasant and unpleasant feelings is a key component – celebrate those win moments and sit with those sorrow moments. You don’t have to fully understand why these feelings are present or have all the ‘right’ words to say; being with your child in those moments is enough. If you want to engage with them for more validation, try reflecting back what you have seen, what feelings may be present or even stating their body language (“Wow, that was tough to see your sister have the last donut and I noticed that made you raise your voice”).
Be Present. When you are spending your time with your children, put the phones away and try to truly respond to what they are doing, saying, and sharing. Being present in the moment can help create a stronger connection for the both of you (Hoffman et al., 2017). Child playing video games? Become curious and get them to teach you what they are doing and maybe even how to play.
Create Connection Moments. Having small moments frequently, such as reading together, singing a song, playing outside, doing a boardgame, building something, making some art or watching a favourite show together help your child feel safe and valued (Hoffman et al., 2017). These moments of connection are more about the quality vs. quantity, that said, the more the better.
Reconnection After Being Separation. Take the few minutes to reconnect with your child after having some time apart (such as when you’ve been at work, at school, doing errands, or even after being apart during sleep time). Again, reconnection does not need to be a full day activity, but can be a quick hug, sharing a snack, or talking about your day. Some children may need longer periods of reconnection, which is okay – do what is best for you and your child.
Physical Touch. Never underestimate the power of physical touch. If your child is okay with touch, try engaging in cuddles, hugs, hold hands, back rubs or ‘rough and tumble play’.
Apologize. Being a parent or caregiver is tough and it is only natural to have moments in which you wish you could go back and re-do. When mistakes happen, you raise your voice or forget to bring their share & tell item, take the time to apologize. You are not only being a role model, but you are helping to repair trust when you apologize (Hoffman et al., 2017).
Create Predictability. Children and adults love routines as they help decrease anxiety and that sense of sitting with that unknown; creating some predictability through routines will help everyone know what to expect and allow children to feel free to explore within those boundaries (Hoffman et al., 2017). Routines can include a fun little hello and goodbye greeting, the same times for wake-ups and bedtimes, and being consistent with how your handle every concerns.
Practice Your Own Self-Awareness. Lastly, if you are feeling out of touch or getting easily irritated, take some time for yourself to meet your needs. Once you spend time knowing what you need, you can meet your children’s need easier and become the best parent or caregiver you want to be.
Remember, when though attachment styles generally developed during childhood, it is never to late to help encourage a secure attachment.
Sources and References:
Hoffman, K., Cooper, G., Powell, B., & Benton, C. M. (2017). Raising a secure child. Guilford Publications.
Homan, K. J. (2018) Secure attachment and eudaimonic well-being in late adulthood: The mediating role of self-compassion, Aging & Mental Health, 22:3, 363-370, DOI: 10.1080/13607863.2016.1254597
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